I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
