If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
