im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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