By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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