I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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