this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
