there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
