ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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