Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
