rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
