He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize