Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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