Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
