im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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