sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize