Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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