I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
