I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
