I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
