The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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