I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
