found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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