I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize