Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I supernannyed him into submission
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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