Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
