Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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