We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
