i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
