one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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