Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
