Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
