i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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