My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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