i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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