Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
