He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
