Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
