Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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