I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
