this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
