Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
