mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize