Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
