I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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