My sheets look like a crime scene.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My dick has a subreddit
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize