Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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