you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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