He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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