The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
