I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
His nipple licking is glorious
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