I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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