I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
