The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
