nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
