when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
3 2 1 whiskey
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
