I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
