you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
