i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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